My two (bio) babies..
I catch myself having moments of comparison often. I was 19 when Zen was born, and I suffered from what I now know was severe post partum depression. Often times I’d be caring for him, but my mind would drift elsewhere. Don’t get me wrong, Zen was well taken care of – and I was fully committed to caring after him, but I was alone at home for hours (2 years actually) with a newborn. My mental health was last on the list of priorities, and I felt guilt for wishing I could have a break, for second guessing everything, for feeling lonely.
I adored my son, but I had to claw my way through each day and search for happiness as I reprogrammed my identity. It was a lot for my young self to comprehend and often times I just went blank. Stuck in what felt like a never ending road of insecurity and counting the hours for someone to get home and help me.
It’s heartbreaking to think about, but in retrospect, Zen & I grew up together. I gave him what he needed, even if I didn’t believe it at the time. My struggle was enough for him, I was still his everything. The contrast between then and now is sometimes heartbreaking. Little milestones like feeding Jaz for the first time bring up thoughts of when I first fed Zen. Not remembering the little details – Knowing how sad I was.
I now feel renewed patience with Jaz. It’s my second time around and I’m fully present and confident in everything I’m doing & will do. It’s a 360 experience and I need to learn to let go of the past. I’m working on forgiving myself and allowing myself to enjoy every moment without guilt. But it’s hard.
I have my moments of doubt, but they’re overpowered by moments of full circle revelation. Like Zen video taping me feeding Jaz for the first time & enjoying/living that experience with me. In a way Jaz is giving us both a chance to experience bonding over “firsts” again. Every new thing Jaz does is an opportunity for Zen & I to reconnect and remember how far we’ve come.
Note to self: I am the PERFECT mom for MY babies.