LBS

LBS

I’m trying to find balance and respect my body, but it’s hard. I admire people who preach about loving their body no matter the size or circumstance. I dream about being that girl, the one that loves herself unconditionally. I love my kids unconditionally, why can’t I love myself the same? I want to embrace all of the woman I am and step into my power again. I’ve tried to understand patience & admiration & being kind to myself. I’ve tried to tap into that state of mind. I want to say I’m there, and I love myself no matter what, but that’s just not the case. 

Some days I’m able to just accept the changes and create a logical explanation. Sometimes I guilt myself because as everyone knows “I just had a baby.” Without meaning to, some people make me feel shame for thinking about my weight or body image because I’m 7 months post baby. I know their intentions aren’t harmful, but it’s harmful to tell me my body doesn’t matter. My confidence – doesn’t matter. Maybe that conversation should be shifted from “don’t worry about your weight, it’s not in your control you just had a baby, so focus on that…” to “To me you look beautiful as a new mom, and your weight is not a factor in that. You’ll get to a weight you’re comfortable in, and you’ll be just as beautiful as you are now…” 

It’s almost like there’s the hidden message that you’re praised when you ‘snap back,’ but if you obsess over ‘snapping back,’ then you’re not prioritizing correctly, or focusing on your blessings, or giving your body ‘time.’ Why is it that when a woman does ‘snap back’ we immediately praise her, assume she’s healthy, and get vocal about how good she looks because of her weight loss? Why are a lot of the same people who shame new moms for obsessing over weight loss, the same people who are praising moms who lose all the baby weight quickly? 

I’ve noticed I’m so hard on myself. I meet people or see people on social media, and I never judge them for their body weight or physical appearance or any of that crap. I find beauty in the energy people put out. In the way they carry themselves. In their confidence. Thinking about this makes me feel worse knowing I’m holding myself back. Knowing I’m capable of that same energy and confidence, but I’m tearing myself down instead. It makes me feel like I’m superficial, but only with myself. It’s a frustrating place to be mentally.

I’m also constantly in a mental battle of caring and not caring. It’s extreme – caring to a point of obsession, or not caring to the point of self destruction.

Today is day seven of working out & eating nourishing foods. I’m near a breakdown because I’m not sure if it’s even worth it. But I’m at that point where I’m tired of being in the same place for so long. I’m tired of feeling lethargic, and physically uncomfortable. Since Jaz was born, I’ve had a couple efforts to get physically fit again, but they all usually end day three or four. I have a hard time being realistic, and lose patience. I’m an emotional eater, and after a full day of ‘MOMing,’ I have a habit of de-stressing with calories. I’m tired of not feeling sexy. I’m tired of not knowing what size to buy. I don’t see a physical change yet, but I feel so much better just moving. I’m trying to focus on that. I feel like I’m at the point where I might just give up – but now is when I need to push through. Even if I’m currently questioning if it’s worth it. I’m trying to shed my thoughts about what people think, while enjoying the therapeutic benefits of moving my body. I’m trying to shed my thoughts of an end ‘goal weight’, or physical changes, and focus on FEELING good.

This week, I’m triggered when I know I’m going to see people for the holiday. The thought that someone may comment on my weight, or not comment at all. I don’t know why I even care. The pandemic has been great in the sense that I’ve been isolated and had most of my postpartum recovery to myself without worrying about having to see people or get dressed, but on the other hand, knowing I’m going to see people has become this HUGE barrier of fear and anxiety. It’s like I want to hide. But I’m also so lonely. It’s a push and pull of desiring company, and dreading it.

If you’re a new mom struggling with something similar, I’m pushing through with you. I know that physically & mentally these times are so challenging. Whether you lost 30lbs the first week home from giving birth, or gained 20lbs after, or anything in between. During times where it seems like everything is out of our control, body image slipping through your fingers can just add to that stress.

Today I’m not ok. I wanted to share that with you. I want to eat my feelings, have a glass of wine, and stay in bed sulking. But I’m going to force myself to workout, and pray for mental clarity.

I KNOW this isn’t the most important topic, and there are BIGGER things going on in the world. But I just needed to release some of this, and hope to provide relief for anyone feeling the same kinds of emotions. This is not about my baby, this is not about being ungrateful, this is me sharing a coming and going thought. This is ME checking in while my baby is napping and the words in my mind overflow my existence.

Here’s what I’m telling myself today: “My body is forever changing, and it’s ok to be where I am now. Time is always ticking, and I get to decide where I’m going next.” I’m looking forward to the days when I love what I see in the mirror, regardless of weight. 

-E




3 thoughts on “LBS”

  • Hi Elisa
    Thank you for during. I know you don’t know me but I totally understand you And just for the record you look amazing. My baby just turned 2 and losing the weight this time was so much harder then with my first child 10 years ago. I love to eat and when I was breast feeding all I wanted was to eat I actually gain more weight after I gave birth then in the 9 months. My confidence was so low and I didn’t feel like myself I have alway been skinny, well I guess miami skinny because the truth is that even with the baby weight I was skinny just not for miami standards. I have finally lost the weight and I feel great and the craziest part is that I am thinking of having another baby now that I have lost the weight lol. Forget what people say and do what makes you feel good and if that’s losing weight then just don’t obsess about it and work on it. I actually ended up going to See someone to check my hormones because no matter the diet I just wasn’t losing weight but I think at the end it was all emotional. He was amazing and in month or two he got me down to my weight and my energy up. Enjoy your baby it really does go bye fast and don’t forget your beautiful. Enjoy your holidays and surround yourself with loving people trust me it’s alway ourselves that are the hardest.

  • Hi Elisa
    Thank you for sharing. I know you don’t know me but I totally understand you And just for the record you look amazing. My baby just turned 2 and losing the weight this time was so much harder then with my first child 10 years ago. I love to eat and when I was breast feeding all I wanted was to eat I actually gain more weight after I gave birth then in the 9 months. My confidence was so low and I didn’t feel like myself I have alway been skinny, well I guess miami skinny because the truth is that even with the baby weight I was skinny just not for miami standards. I have finally lost the weight and I feel great and the craziest part is that I am thinking of having another baby now that I have lost the weight lol. Forget what people say and do what makes you feel good and if that’s losing weight then just don’t obsess about it and work on it. I actually ended up going to See someone to check my hormones because no matter the diet I just wasn’t losing weight but I think at the end it was all emotional. He was amazing and in month or two he got me down to my weight and my energy up. Enjoy your baby it really does go bye fast and don’t forget your beautiful. Enjoy your holidays and surround yourself with loving people trust me it’s alway ourselves that are the hardest.

  • It’s crazy to read this because to me you are a true inspiration. I’m not sure if you even temper who I am. I met you a few times at Maheli few years back. I went with my two daughters and your older son was there, and he played so nicely with my girls. Even since those days I started following you on Instagram. Always thought you were so different, and rad and overall COOL!! And then you got pregnant, and I got pregnant few months after you. My appreciation for all your posts became even more! From your fashion sense, from your honesty when it came to all pregnant crap we get as mom. Then you became a mom, and again! I follow you in every sense. Even though you are much younger than I am, I feel you are so inspiring, knowledgeable, and overall honest about it all. Reading this blog, I completely understand it, and I danm get it. The uncertainty, the feeling of confusion when it comes to what you used to be, or what others think or not, etc. But pls know this, I think you are amazing!! I’ve never had a conversation with you, but I get vibes on a simple thing such as a pic. And I think you are AMAZING!!!! Not all days are great, but know that you are inspiring and guiding women around.

    I THINK YOU ARE REAL!!! AND BEYOND UNAPOLOGETIC!!!

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